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- When should I talk to my child about sex?
- My child is only 11. How do I inform her
without giving too much information?
- I didn’t wait until I was married to
have sex, but I definitely want my child to wait. How do
remain truthful with my child, but not send a mixed message?
- Our lives are so busy! How can I find the
time and space to really talk with my child?
- I don’t think that I know all the answers.
Where can I find resources to help me inform my child?
- I’m just really uncomfortable talking
to my child about sex. My parents never had “the talk”
with me and I’m not sure if I can do it now.
- I think my child is already sexually active.
What should I say?
- So, how many teens really are sexually active?
- What’s this I hear about an STD epidemic?
- My child just started a sex education class
in school. I’m not sure what is being taught. What
should I do?
- I’ve heard talk about “safer
sex.” How safe is “safe sex?”
- What is abstinence, and is it really something
teens do?
When should I talk to my child about
sex?
Although there is no “right” age, since each child,
family and situation is different, it is a reality that children
are exposed to sexual content at earlier and earlier ages.
You want your child’s primary information to come from
you; not their friends, and certainly not the media. Waiting
until they are 14 or 15 is too late; studies show that some
students are becoming sexually active in the 6th and 7th grade.
We recommend starting very early: talk to your child about
friendships and love in grade school. Around age 8, consider
telling your child about the awesome and great way that parents
show their love and make babies. Stress how beautiful sex
is, and that it is something special to be shared between
two committed adults.
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My child is only 11. How do I inform
her without giving too much information?
When answering questions or providing information to preteens,
you do not need to go into graphic detail. Younger children
are often curious in a factual way, and are satisfied with
simple answers. Be clear, and open. Above all, be sure to
convey your values and expectations.
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I didn’t wait until I was married
to have sex, but I definitely want my child to wait. How do
remain truthful with my child, but not send a mixed message?
First and foremost, don’t lie to your child. But DO
remember that your past experiences certainly do not need
to be the focus of your talk. Unless your child specifically
asks or brings up your history, you should center your talk
on your child’s feelings and your expectations. If your
behavior is addressed, you could choose to share reasons why
you believe that you made mistakes. Also focus on how things
are different today, like how there are more STDs. Enforce
the idea that you have high expectations for your child. You
know he or she is capable of living up to your standards,
and you will expect nothing less.
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Our lives are so busy! How can I
find the time and space to really talk with my child?
The “talk” does not need to be a big production.
There are different issues surrounding your child’s
sexuality that can be addressed singly. For example, when
watching a movie with an explicit love scene, ask your child
what he or she thinks about the fact that through TV we are
put in other people’s bedrooms each day. Or use normal
life experiences, like a friend’s pregnancy to open
up lines of discussion. It is also a good idea to start conversations
in the car. Teens are actually more open to having serious
discussions in the car, and with your busy schedule it may
be the only place to have your child’s undivided attention.
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I don’t think that I know all
the answers. Where can I find resources to help me inform
my child?
There are lots of organizations and printed resources designed
to give parents information and tools to help educate their
children. Look through this website, and the list of additional
resources (link) for more contacts and materials. Please DO
preview any material you give your child. All sex education
materials vary; some may be very graphic, or promote a behavior
of which you do not approve.
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I’m just really uncomfortable
talking to my child about sex. My parents never had “the
talk” with me and I’m not sure if I can do it
now.
Talking about sex can be hard for anyone at any time. Despite
the media’s treatment, most people view sex as an extremely
private and intimate act. Some people even view sex as shameful
or they’ve had negative experiences. Those feelings
about sex can be difficult to overcome. But you need to talk
to your child if you want your child to make healthy decisions.
Start by educating yourself about some of the behaviors and
pressures that affect teens today. You’ll feel more
confident if you know what’s going on. This can include
looking through a teen magazine, watching a TV show that your
teen regularly watches, and asking your child and his or her
friends general questions about what the most important things
are to them. Then, keep your radar out for a good moment to
start talking to your child. While discussing, try to relax
and remain calm. You are the parent, but be sure to listen
to your child. If your child is very uncomfortable too, you
may need to bring up the subject several times before the
discussion really takes off. Try various techniques, like
story-telling or using humor to break tension and think about
rewarding a good discussion with a fun outing. Keep trying,
it will pay off.
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I think my child is already sexually
active. What should I say?
Your initial response may be one of anger or disappointment;
however, yelling at your child will not convince him or her
to change behaviors. Begin an open conversation. Express your
concern for your child and tell him or her that there is nothing
that he or she can’t tell you. If your child has in
fact been sexually active, don’t judge. Talk about some
of the reasons your child chose to have sex; there may be
other issues in your child’s life that need to be addressed.
Then stress the choice of “secondary virginity”
or a renewed commitment to abstinence. Sexual abstinence is
a way of life that anyone, regardless of past experiences,
can choose to follow. Someone who has been sexually active
often has compelling reasons to recommit to abstinence, and
claim back his or her body, respect and goals.
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So, how many teens really
are sexually active?
Maybe less than you’d think, but a lot more than we
would hope! The most recent statistics show that 46% of high
school students have been, or are, sexually active. This is
the lowest that teen sexual activity has been in years. As
the age of students rise, however, so does the likelihood
that they have had sex. Where 34% of 9th graders report sexual
activity, 61% of high school seniors say the same. You need
to continue to talk with your child about sex. Having the
talk once in middle school is not enough.
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What’s this I hear about
an STD epidemic?
It’s true. Although really, because of the number of
sexually transmitted diseases, it is more accurate to talk
about numerous epidemics. Just as an example, over 65 million
people are currently living with an incurable STD in this
country. Over half - 45 million - of them are infected with
Herpes. That’s more than the entire population of Canada!
Teens are particularly at risk of contracting an STD. One
out of every four new infections occurs in a teen, and these
infections often go untreated for a period of time.
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My child just started a
sex education class in school. I’m not sure what is
being taught. What should I do?
First, ask to see a copy of the curriculum being used. You
have a right to review any sexual education material that
your child will be exposed to. If there is anything inappropriate
in the presentation, you can opt your child out of the class,
or out of certain components. You may want to tell the school
about your concerns, and possibly suggest an alternative curriculum.
Then, take this opportunity to talk with your child about
he or she has been learning. Explain your beliefs, and send
a clear message about expected behaviors. Remember: you are
your child’s primary teacher, and the school should
never undermine your authority as a parent.
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I’ve heard talk about
“safer sex.” How safe is “safe sex?”
It depends on the method of prevention that is being used.
Typical usage rates show that a condom, for instance, is 86%
effective for preventing pregnancy. Its effectiveness in lessening
the spread the STDs varies by disease. Condoms appear to be
very effective in preventing the transmission of HIV/AIDS,
but their effectiveness in preventing certain STDs, like Human
Papilloma Virus, is in question. The birth control pill is
95% effective in preventing pregnancy, but does nothing to
stop the spread of disease. It is important to recognize that
these are rates for all sexually active persons. Teens tend
to be even less consistent and accurate when using birth control
than adults. That isn’t really surprising if you think
about how many times you might have to remind your teen to
make the bed before it actually gets done!
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What is abstinence, and is it really
something teens do?
Abstinence is a decision to wait to have sex, and it’s
a commitment that a growing number of teens are making. A
commitment to abstinence means not having sexual intercourse,
and not participating in the sexual activities that lead up
to intercourse. It means respecting oneself and one’s
future spouse enough to avoid the physical and emotional dangers
of teenage sexual activity. It is the only 100% effective
way of preventing teen pregnancy and STDs. In addition, the
relationship and goal-setting skills of abstinence can help
in all areas of life.
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