- When should I talk to my child about sex?
- My child is only 11. How do I inform her without giving too much information?
- I didn’t wait until I was married to have sex, but I definitely want my child to wait. How do remain truthful with my child, but not send a mixed message?
- Our lives are so busy! How can I find the time and space to really talk with my child?
- I don’t think that I know all the answers. Where can I find resources to help me inform my child?
- I’m just really uncomfortable talking to my child about sex. My parents never had “the talk” with me and I’m not sure if I can do it now.
- I think my child is already sexually active. What should I say?
- So, how many teens really are sexually active?
- What’s this I hear about an STD epidemic?
- My child just started a sex education class in school. I’m not sure what is being taught. What should I do?
- I’ve heard talk about “safer sex.” How safe is “safe sex?”
- What is abstinence, and is it really something teens do?
When should I talk to my child about sex?
Although there is no “right” age, since each child, family and situation is different, it is a reality that children are exposed to sexual content at earlier and earlier ages. You want your child’s primary information to come from you; not their friends, and certainly not the media. Waiting until they are 14 or 15 is too late; studies show that some students are becoming sexually active in the 6th and 7th grade. We recommend starting very early: talk to your child about friendships and love in grade school. Around age 8, consider telling your child about the awesome and great way that parents show their love and make babies. Stress how beautiful sex is, and that it is something special to be shared between two committed adults. Back to top My child is only 11. How do I inform her without giving too much information?
When answering questions or providing information to preteens, you do not need to go into graphic detail. Younger children are often curious in a factual way, and are satisfied with simple answers. Be clear, and open. Above all, be sure to convey your values and expectations. Back to top I didn’t wait until I was married to have sex, but I definitely want my child to wait. How do remain truthful with my child, but not send a mixed message?
First and foremost, don’t lie to your child. But DO remember that your past experiences certainly do not need to be the focus of your talk. Unless your child specifically asks or brings up your history, you should center your talk on your child’s feelings and your expectations. If your behavior is addressed, you could choose to share reasons why you believe that you made mistakes. Also focus on how things are different today, like how there are more STDs. Enforce the idea that you have high expectations for your child. You know he or she is capable of living up to your standards, and you will expect nothing less. Back to top Our lives are so busy! How can I find the time and space to really talk with my child?
The “talk” does not need to be a big production. There are different issues surrounding your child’s sexuality that can be addressed singly. For example, when watching a movie with an explicit love scene, ask your child what he or she thinks about the fact that through TV we are put in other people’s bedrooms each day. Or use normal life experiences, like a friend’s pregnancy to open up lines of discussion. It is also a good idea to start conversations in the car. Teens are actually more open to having serious discussions in the car, and with your busy schedule it may be the only place to have your child’s undivided attention. Back to top I don’t think that I know all the answers. Where can I find resources to help me inform my child?
There are lots of organizations and printed resources designed to give parents information and tools to help educate their children. Look through this website, and the list of additional resources (link) for more contacts and materials. Please DO preview any material you give your child. All sex education materials vary; some may be very graphic, or promote a behavior of which you do not approve. Back to top I’m just really uncomfortable talking to my child about sex. My parents never had “the talk” with me and I’m not sure if I can do it now.
Talking about sex can be hard for anyone at any time. Despite the media’s treatment, most people view sex as an extremely private and intimate act. Some people even view sex as shameful or they’ve had negative experiences. Those feelings about sex can be difficult to overcome. But you need to talk to your child if you want your child to make healthy decisions. Start by educating yourself about some of the behaviors and pressures that affect teens today. You’ll feel more confident if you know what’s going on. This can include looking through a teen magazine, watching a TV show that your teen regularly watches, and asking your child and his or her friends general questions about what the most important things are to them. Then, keep your radar out for a good moment to start talking to your child. While discussing, try to relax and remain calm. You are the parent, but be sure to listen to your child. If your child is very uncomfortable too, you may need to bring up the subject several times before the discussion really takes off. Try various techniques, like story-telling or using humor to break tension and think about rewarding a good discussion with a fun outing. Keep trying, it will pay off. Back to top I think my child is already sexually active. What should I say?
Your initial response may be one of anger or disappointment; however, yelling at your child will not convince him or her to change behaviors. Begin an open conversation. Express your concern for your child and tell him or her that there is nothing that he or she can’t tell you. If your child has in fact been sexually active, don’t judge. Talk about some of the reasons your child chose to have sex; there may be other issues in your child’s life that need to be addressed. Then stress the choice of “secondary virginity” or a renewed commitment to abstinence. Sexual abstinence is a way of life that anyone, regardless of past experiences, can choose to follow. Someone who has been sexually active often has compelling reasons to recommit to abstinence, and claim back his or her body, respect and goals. Back to top So, how many teens really are sexually active?
Maybe less than you’d think, but a lot more than we would hope! The most recent statistics show that 46% of high school students have been, or are, sexually active. This is the lowest that teen sexual activity has been in years. As the age of students rise, however, so does the likelihood that they have had sex. Where 34% of 9th graders report sexual activity, 61% of high school seniors say the same. You need to continue to talk with your child about sex. Having the talk once in middle school is not enough. Back to top What’s this I hear about an STD epidemic?
It’s true. Although really, because of the number of sexually transmitted diseases, it is more accurate to talk about numerous epidemics. Just as an example, over 65 million people are currently living with an incurable STD in this country. Over half - 45 million - of them are infected with Herpes. That’s more than the entire population of Canada! Teens are particularly at risk of contracting an STD. One out of every four new infections occurs in a teen, and these infections often go untreated for a period of time. Back to top My child just started a sex education class in school. I’m not sure what is being taught. What should I do?
First, ask to see a copy of the curriculum being used. You have a right to review any sexual education material that your child will be exposed to. If there is anything inappropriate in the presentation, you can opt your child out of the class, or out of certain components. You may want to tell the school about your concerns, and possibly suggest an alternative curriculum. Then, take this opportunity to talk with your child about he or she has been learning. Explain your beliefs, and send a clear message about expected behaviors. Remember: you are your child’s primary teacher, and the school should never undermine your authority as a parent. Back to top I’ve heard talk about “safer sex.” How safe is “safe sex?”
It depends on the method of prevention that is being used. Typical usage rates show that a condom, for instance, is 86% effective for preventing pregnancy. Its effectiveness in lessening the spread the STDs varies by disease. Condoms appear to be very effective in preventing the transmission of HIV/AIDS, but their effectiveness in preventing certain STDs, like Human Papilloma Virus, is in question. The birth control pill is 95% effective in preventing pregnancy, but does nothing to stop the spread of disease. It is important to recognize that these are rates for all sexually active persons. Teens tend to be even less consistent and accurate when using birth control than adults. That isn’t really surprising if you think about how many times you might have to remind your teen to make the bed before it actually gets done! Back to top What is abstinence, and is it really something teens do?
Abstinence is a decision to wait to have sex, and it’s a commitment that a growing number of teens are making. A commitment to abstinence means not having sexual intercourse, and not participating in the sexual activities that lead up to intercourse. It means respecting oneself and one’s future spouse enough to avoid the physical and emotional dangers of teenage sexual activity. It is the only 100% effective way of preventing teen pregnancy and STDs. In addition, the relationship and goal-setting skills of abstinence can help in all areas of life. Back to top
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